still. stuck.

Is it really so pathetic/self centered/unrealistic/ridiculous/silly/childish/dramatic
to be heartbroken because you don't think i'm best
the greatest
like i think you are?
or is it so ___________, because i am scared that you will read this
actually find this
look for this
the way i look for you, clues about what's in your head
not by going to the source, you, but via google.

It's not pea green

do you like my new coat?
it's pretty, yes?
but you're prettier and you keep me warmer.
your touch is softer
it's easy to say it's love
but you love me
and you i love
you
i make things easy
i can be your salve
but i'd rather you were mine
except i'm my own and i want you the same
i want you tough and thick skinned
and doing what needs to be done
let me be the little spoon.
you want me as your gift.
i play offended
my mouth is not cheap
just my words and actions and thoughts and hopefully not my touch
lessening everything
listening nothing.

...

i feel the anxious in my chest stomach
bile? breakfast? maybe.
but i want the southers in voices and charms
and the sweat like a days hard work
with a little bit of guilt and a lot of smiles
fake named
cheap beered
smiled pretty
dirtied dirty words

can you stand it?

want

I want to sleep at the bottom of rivers water flowing over and through. I want to be the rock and you can shape me to fit your landscape.
I want you like a good story.
I want to explode in to something beautiful like fireworks and dandelions. Not something ugly and messy the way humans tend to be.

on 19th ave.

my thoughts are mine and me
but i promise you're in there somewhere, tracks to my train.
i'm going nowhere without you.
and the wails lonely
been hearing them so long, you haven't heard them in so long

scattered and self indulgent
i blame it on the loose leaf.